Lockdown Diaries: Day 14
Yes, that tiny orange chair in the photo is mine. In this house, the adults get the cheap seats…or the seats that are inaccessible to the dog/kid. The hammock is still safe because neither one can climb in on their own (although they both try).
At the start of lockdown, I saw a lot of people on my social feeds talking about how they were going to spend their self isolation slowing down and reconnecting with themselves and their partner/families. I saw daily yoga challenges with friends proudly showing off their downward dogs and pigeon poses. I saw newly zen insta feeds inspired by regular guided meditations. I was treated to images of mountains of books, endless links for online cooking courses and everyone’s recommendations of which Netflix series to binge.
I have none of these peaceful, whimsical pearls of wisdom to share with you. The only thing we manage in this house, besides stress drinking all our alcohol by day 12 (seriously, we had to do an emergency run to families who shall remain nameless for their own protection), is daily workouts. I aim for half an hour day. These half hour sessions in fact take an hour, because they are interrupted multiple times by toddler needs (Mommmeeeeee, I made a wee on the potty and I need a sweeeeeeet…NOW!) and weird dog instincts (why must dogs try to stand on you when you lie on a yoga mat). So in the spirit of all this friendly sharing (read: blatantly showing off) I thought I would take you through our various workout routines. Please feel free to choose whichever one suits you best. Advanced level: we will deliver the dog and kid to you.
Workout #1: Full Body Weights
Must have: equipment cobbled together from random garage items including cement blocks, bricks, broom handles, crowbars, bungee straps and logs of wood. Bonus points if the wood has splinters.
Routine: As many reps as possible of each muscle group before a) equipment breaks or b) you smack a small creature in the face
Risk assessment: medium risk due to potential of homemade equipment breaking mid workout (I unfortunately missed capturing the broom handle/bungee strap set up giving out, leaving Mark stranded on his back like an overturned tortoise). Also theft of equipment by the dog.
Workout #2: Gymnastics
Must have: a makeshift beam, no fear.
Routine: walk, run, dance or Mr Miyagi across the beam. Bonus points if you fall off with style. Alternative: use beam as a hurdle. Humans over 4 feet must jump over with both feet together.
Risk assessment: high risk due to the potential of sensitive regions colliding with solid wood.
Workout #3: Fine Motor Skills Workout
Must have: khoki pens, crayons, forbidden surfaces. Best suited for under fives.
Routine: skulk round corners until you are sure no parents are looking. Demonstrate your best craftsmanship on windows, walls and window sills. Bonus points if you use substances that do not wipe off.
Risk assessment: medium to high risk, depending on parents’ mood and/or how many days into lockdown you are.
Workout #4: The F**k It Slide
Must have: two sun loungers, an adventurous toddler, wine, zero f**ks left to give.
Routine: allow adventurous toddler to jump, tumble and slide at will over and under the conjoined sun loungers. Best enjoyed with wine.
Risk assessment: high risk. Includes possible concussion, broken bones and damaged furniture.
Now please, do share your yoga and meditation routine with me again.